"If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.” - Proverbs 29:9
“Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you.” - Proverbs 9:7-8
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” - Proverbs 27:6
Let me ask you a provocative question: How well-suited are you to take a punch from a friend?
Of course, I am not wondering if you are choosing abusive relationships and chalking it up to humility. Certainly, I am not imploring you to start and attend a kind of fight club that meets in the dingy darkness of a back alley. Instead, I am wondering whom you place yourself around and how you choose to interact with those nearest to you. What types of relationships do you have?
In any type of relational counseling, there is a single statement that will quickly light up the eyes of an observant listener: “We never fight.” Forgive my crassness, but couples who do not fight are like people who struggle to use the restroom. Something that is stored up over time will eventually leak out and it will be far messier than if handled healthily. Or, it will remain inside, not dealt with until it eventually kills you. The goal of any relationship should not be the absence of fights, but the ability to fight fair.
I think many of us are woefully ill-equipped and under-motivated to fight fair with friends. Particularly in the church, we tend to see conflict as a sort of cardinal sin or a specialty for those that enjoy confrontation. (In reality, if confrontation is your specialty, you likely need to learn how to become one who encourages and comforts). The Bible is so clear, however, that healthy and humble conflict is a sure mark of well-watered, secure followers of Jesus who love their brothers and sisters more than themselves.
Let me put it simply: You need to be fought for and fought with!
At the very doctrinal core of the Christian claim, there is a painful reality that you are not okay the way that you are. Jesus believed this so strongly that He emptied Himself of His divine rights, lived in stink and squalor, and eventually died on the cross so that you could look in the mirror and see the egg on your face…and the death in your heart. It is fair to say that He was fully convinced.
Why do we so regularly fall into the conceptual trap that once we have been wrestled into submission at baptism, we are no longer in need of correction? How have we been so easily convinced that it is someone else’s job to tell our co-sojourners when they have fallen off of Jesus’ narrow path?
The book of Proverbs shares what both healthy and foolish reproof look like ad nauseam. The New Testament doesn’t leave this one to the B.C. either… Jesus Himself explains what the path of repentant restoration should look like in the church in Matthew 18. Paul and His co-laborers who wrote the vast majority of the New Testament perpetually provoke their readers to admonish, reprove, correct, and love through conflict. In Luke 17:3 Jesus says, “…If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”
What about you?
Are you ready, equipped, and filled with enough love to rebuke and reprove a friend? Are you choosing to evade conflict, or learning how to grow in love and grace so that you might better fight fair when your brother or sister in Christ deviates? Look around at the relationships that you have and ask if you have built up enough trust to be the spiritual sandpaper that they need. If not, become more trustworthy by showing your love in sacrificial ways. If so, add some roots to your friendships by showing that you are interested in their long-term growth in Jesus by challenging them when needed.
…Fight for your friends and fight with them!
Are you humble, approachable, and self-aware enough to receive a friend’s reproof in your own life? Oftentimes it is not that our friends fail to see our brokenness, it is that we have shown them that their help is unwelcome. Others fail to admonish us for a number of reasons, one of which is that we are often too combative (aggressively defensive or passively victimized) for a friend to trust we will humbly listen and repent. If you have been approached by a brother or sister, do not focus on their tact, but on your heart position when they spoke to you; did you fight against them, assume the position of a victim being attacked, or respond with humility? If you have not recently been reproved by a dear friend, ask yourself why! Have you allowed the sons and daughters of God to get close enough? Do you bite and bark when you are cornered?
…Humbly place yourselves in positions for your friends to fight for you and with you! (Even if they don’t do it perfectly).
Below are passages to further reflect upon this idea of admonition and conflict:
Matthew 18:15-22
James 1:19-26
Philippians 2:1-8
John 13:34-35
John 15:12-17