“If you can make a good friend, you should be able to disciple. On the other hand, inability to form close friendships is an absolute barrier to effectiveness in making disciples.” 

- Dennis McCallum, Organic Discipleship (p. 49)

What kind of friend are you?

I am convinced that this is one of the most significant questions that anyone trying to follow Jesus can be asked. So let me type the question one more time so that you can answer it for yourself: What kind of friend are you?

Lest you be tempted to bring up your personality type, or whether or not you are extroverted or introverted, let me clarify what I mean. It does not matter if you are a bubbly person that can captivate a room and naturally relates to every category of person, or if you are a quiet wallflower that is hoping to get home and get time alone, you can be a good friend.

A good friend is one who is loyal, interested, and available. Good friends are not always the ones who weave the prettiest, most humorous stories together or ask innumerable questions… good friends are the people who ask the right questions because they have taken the time to get to know the other’s story, personality, and heart. Good friends think about you when you are not around, and open themselves up to be seen in their vulnerability and weakness. Good friends go out on a ledge to communicate what they see in you. They also go out of their way to meet you when you are wrong in order to lovingly correct you. Everyone needs good friends, but good friends do not abound. 

When Auna and I moved to Wichita from Manhattan, KS, we experienced a little bit of a culture shock. In the thick of Covid precautions and heightened reclusiveness, we came to a painful realization: most of us flounder in friendship in adulthood. Where team sports, school activities, and less responsibility brought us together in high school and college, the “real world” ushered in families, full-time jobs, and our own little kingdoms to protect and care for. Baffled and disheartened, we learned that we needed to become better friends in order to make good friends. 

When it comes to Christ’s Church in the Midwest, I am afraid that we often settle for being friendly in lieu of being good friends.

Matthew concludes his biography of Jesus by quoting our Lord’s Great Commission: “…make disciples…” (Matthew 28:19). A disciple is a learner; one who is connected to a teacher in a dynamic, ever-deepening relationship. The process, therefore, of growing in our own discipleship of Jesus, and making disciples of others, is magnificently relational! Jesus did not call His people to make “pew potatoes,” but active, growing students seeking after the same Lord. 

There are formal, classroom-style ways for us to teach, learn, and relate, but I am convinced that this is hardly the norm intended by God. A classroom can convey information. A Sunday worship service can glorify God, teach us, and make interpersonal connections. Everyday friendships in the thick of life, however, can (and will) make disciples. Jesus said that the watching world would know we are His disciples by the way that we love one another (see John 13:35), not by the way that we preach or sing. 

As a young, zealous Christ-follower I was intimidated by the size of the Bible and overwhelmed by what I did not know. Then someone flattened the terrain of Christianity for me by showing me something life-altering: I may have not been able to quote the Bible, but I was as able as anyone else to willingly befriend someone and point them to my Lord and seek out His answers alongside them. 

You stand in the same position as any highly educated, influential Christian in this category. If you have confessed Christ, repented of your sin, and the Holy Spirit has taken up residence in your heart, you may not be equally proficient at making a disciple yet, but you are equally able to reproduce a disciple. 

If you can invite someone into your life, and humble yourself enough to think of them throughout the week, looking for ways to dig deeper into their heart and mind, you can make an eternal impact on someone. 

There is a wildly practical and attainable reality to following Jesus when you realize that He uses normal people in everyday life to build His Kingdom. It is also abundantly encouraging to realize that not only can you be used to bring someone closer to their Creator, but you can also actually equip them to do the same thing for another person. Without a postgraduate degree, charismatic aura, and external impressiveness, you have the capacity to catalyze generations of disciple-making!

All of that being said, how do you make a friend?

There are an infinite number of answers to this question, but let’s start with our primary relationship. Abide in Jesus. Remain in His Word, by reading, praying, meditating, and continually asking questions about Him. Learners (disciples) make disciples. 

Next, look at your life and the people that cross your path in your everyday life. Begin praying for God to deepen relationships, and ask Him to develop a greater love in your heart for specific individuals. As simple as it sounds, the next move is to show people that you care by asking them questions. Jesus was a master question-asker. Invite others into your life, what Jesus is teaching you, and how it is affecting your heart. Ask others to join you in your everyday life, and ask others if you can join them in the things they are doing (even, and especially if it is not something that naturally interests you).

If the idea of making a friend is daunting, find someone who loves Jesus that you know is a good friend and observe what they do. There is nothing wrong with a little “monkey-see, monkey-do.” Humble yourself and ask them to teach you what makes them such a good friend to others.

Be encouraged that Jesus uses average people, with normal dispositions, and mediocre talent to build His eternal and everlasting Kingdom. And remember that He uses people that are willing. 

Be a good friend.